Once they truly hit bottom, & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. And I just hate it bc I TRULY know I am a good woman. I dont know how this has happened. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. Then he doesnt come home until way later and doesnt think its a big deal. Absolutely smart on your part. His affair had nothing to do with me or our marriage. I dont focus on getting over that right now, bc we may not ever get there anyways. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. My STORY | The Fog has lifted 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. Hahahaha the stuff that come out of his mouth was unbelievable and so far from reality. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. The fog was bad. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. Its a sad sad state. It is up to him to decide. trouble is the tunnel K. There is nothing you can do. I demanded a post nup. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. He decided he did not want to. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. Its been a few weeks since ive written. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. Big difference! Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. You deserve better. Regroup. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. Best of luck. After he came back from his 2 week rendezvous with her, he came back to live in our home as though nothing had happened. And I wont back down. I am not going anywhere for now, but he doesnt need to know that. Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. Im not saying he is cheating now. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. Last night he texted me and asked if I wanted him to pick up dinner, which was nice. It I held my ground for months. So I demanded the post nup. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. Innocent my arse!!!!! I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. It financially protects me. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. Who is this alien life form that has taken over my sweet loving husband who wanted nothing more than to be with me? That new love attraction or high. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. So im just going to stick to this 180, be CONSISTENT in my actions and reactions as much as possible and see where it gets us. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. I have no idea. I have never written on one of these things before, but have been reading through your advice and feel to be gaining a lot from it. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. Seriously?! With all my might!! Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. He threw in the towel. Take care of yourself first. Your observation that you would have been replaced may be accurate. I told him he told me he would give me money weekly and finish the things around the house and he hasnt stuck to his word. Any $ in my name or certain accounts is not considered marital assets. Start preparing just in case. I cant wrap my head around it all still. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. I so badly dont want to be disrespected by him so I am assuming things and (like him and her talking) and I am flipping out, in hopes he will see I wont be a doormat, but then a day later I calm down and I want him around and I am more myself. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit He was getting out. And I think he knows it too. Its all so upsetting. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. You cannot make people wNt something. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. You can only save your M and live happily ever after if one of two things happens; 1. Because our relationship was failing. These are good time relationships. Just you. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. Im serious on that sorry to say. What have I done here?. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. He is expecting you to give in to him. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. Get your plan B together now. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. I wish I could stick to it. It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. 18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair - After My Affair She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. Its hard for me to pinpoint what I did that caused you to get out of the fog because I dont really know when you got out of the fog. To protect ourself. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. No! He is still to let me know what his result came up to. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. I did not over react. like you said, I cannot change him. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. So I was alone with my counselor. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). 5 years later we reconciled and we are happy. How jaded this makes us. Just a thought. I have purchased Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and am reading through that. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. Wait for him sure. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. But at DDay2 he knew he was no longer able to do that. But I just dont know how to act. Do not fixate on her the OW. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. I wish Id done that on day 1, but the fear of losing them is so powerful, youre terrified to demand anything of them because they are already showing you that youre disposable to them, and youre terrified of giving them the final reason to boot YOU! I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. Linda: I also think those things are important, but I would hope that removal would actually maybe allow the person to see what their spouse meant to them. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. How sad it comes to that. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. Hanging out in bars. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. So, when he arrived home at 2am last night I lost it. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. No begging or pleading. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. and I think he knows that. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. And do not mention the OW for now. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. Its so scary. And I admit to my flaws, but its hard to look back at those flaws when im sitting here dealing with a man who had another RELATIONSHIP during our marriage. Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. The most hurtful words I ever said. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. Some days feel good, and some days feel like absolute torture, and I dont know if its in my head and I make it worse by getting in a weird mood, or what. Continue trying to do your own thing. But it was not even close to your situation. Get your self together. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. Ive had a very weird week. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. Youre absolutely right. You can also subscribe without commenting. I was completely wrong on that. My life has been turned upside down. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. The First Wife I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. Its more like hes there. It blows my mind honestly. I say my one sentence and leave the room. I need to get a grip. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. You can live like roommates doing exactly the same thing. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. Yes! You have tried everything you could. I wish he had any idea how this feels. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. A team player. He was going to fix it. I did everything to make his life easy. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. Before that could happen, we had a 2 week Hawaiian vacation planned, and the day we returned my mom died! Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. You barely communicate. That is your reward. I said to him we will make a schedule and I will leave when he comes to spend time with her, and once he gets his own place we will go from there..I dont know if any of what I did was the right decision, I just know I have to gain control of my life. Sometimes I feel very positive. Selfish. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. He is acting like a typical cheater. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. Not that it matters anyway. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. Or stop him from cheating. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. Im struggling with finances as is, I cant rub two coins to my name. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. She is such a good person he would say to me. Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. Whether that means through college or after, he cannot just walk away without living up to his responsibility as a father. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. Trust me I know what you are going through. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. I just dont even know what is better, lliving in limbo or living apart. 3. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. One day he seems to be terrified to lose me, and the next he cant get out the door fast enough. I love him, probably too much. I begged pleaded discussed etc. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. Day by day I am grown weaker & more weaker. Thank you both for your comments of support. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. I said to him that I just do not want to be disrespected anymore. But it has to be their idea. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. I thanked him for apologizing. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. Ouch! I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. She was surprised and said OK. When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. Separate. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. Your request he seek counseling is the right choice. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. But nothing you do will influence him. Thats terrifying. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. Its not real. I couldnt agree more! Why did you literally WASTE the prime time that the window was wide open for reconciliation, instead of literally waiting to really get it when the window was closed down to the last millimeter, only furthers the feeling that Im completely taken for granted and will likely never know the truth. What a big mess. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. But he lets his anger take over. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. But he was in the fog and it was awful. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. 1. It is SO BIZARRE. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. I did this to protect me. I deserve so much more than this. Not any more. Wait and see what happens. I dont even think he thinks about this the way I do. What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. If the symptoms are The damage has been done. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. It finally got through. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. You will get worn down and be emotionally empty. But theres nothing I can do. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. My husband is a liar he has been his whole life . I cant get out of my own head and out of my own way. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. Leave me out of the equation. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. It is about respect. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I begged and apologized. I became my mother. You are NOT doing anything wrong. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. You have to stop trying to reason with people who only want one thing an A or alcohol or food or cigarettes. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. Cannot last. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. And that you know he is lying. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? I really hope I have done whats right. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). Thank you so much for your response. Trying to win him back. But who knows. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. His response? Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. Second was he was proving he was changing. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me.